Criticism is the most destructive thing that has ever been on this planet, and most of all from our parents. It causes a horrible chain reaction that can last for years, decades and multiple life times. We get criticized, this causes a feeling of not being good enough, then we want to feel better, we then look for approval. Our self-image has been damaged, we are not good enough anymore. Up until this time we were happy with everything we did. Then we learned to evaluate ourselves in a way that will diminish us, maybe for the rest of our lives.
This has taken me hundreds of courses, a small fortune and thousands of hours of meditation and self evaluation. All roads lead to this, and this is the cause of all of our problems. Be it abuse or just criticism we are searching for something externally to fill this void in us. our low self esteem.
We have the feeling of not being good enough, we try to avoid that feeling, cover it up, or run away from it, it is constant no matter who we see or where we go, it is always with us. Because it happened so long ago, we can barely see, that it is this feeling that is causing soo much trouble in our lives. We are at its mercy.
We try to over achieve to counter act that feeling, maybe if I’m the best, richest or most popular maybe I can finally get rid of it. Maybe I’ll eventually be good enough maybe eventually I will be lovable? but we still manage to find that one thing that was not perfect, and no matter what achievements we have, they will never be good enough. We will never be good enough.
I can see how all addictions stem from avoiding this feeling, that will never cease or go away. I can see why guys and girls end up with the wrong people, hopelessly entangled in a hope to fill this void.
What I learned about myself is that I was looking to fill this void, even after all the work I had put in. Deep down I was looking for support and approval from my parents. I didn’t get it as a child they had the best of intentions, but delivered it the way they were taught.
I’ve had a drive to be a better person, but it was coming from the wrong place. It was coming from a place of pain not joy.
I realized that this has had such huge impact on my life. Probably the most influential thing in my life.
I have heard so much about learning to love yourself. But what is that? Its vague at best and non-sense to most people. The vast majority of people do not know what love is and I certainly didn’t, to be honest I’m still not sure.
However, I do know what support is, I do know what being nice is, and I do know what seeing the best in others is. I know because I’ve been doing this for years for everyone else but myself.
Maybe I was subconsciously hoping that they would do it for me. But this could never happen my defenses where on such high alert, that even if they did give me a complement, I couldn’t hear or feel it. I had to solve this problem myself.
I had to see it / feel it.
What changed and over a few days is I started noticing how I had a lot of resistance to letting people know what I was up to, my latest plans, or just life in general, I wouldn’t share who I was, for fear of criticism, fear of being hurt. If no one knows how can they hurt me?
What I learned was I have to support myself, I have to be the one who pats myself on the back, and how I do that is by facing my feelings. Instead of running away I will listen to them and hear what they have to say. Ultimately they are there for a reason, and that reason is always for my highest good. They want me to stay safe, be happy ultimately they are looking out for me. They do not want me to feel pain. I don’t want me to feel pain.
What happened over the coming days, I paid attention to what is going on inside me, and finally listened to what my emotions where saying by listening I was able to turn around that approval mechanism, from being externally driven, to being internally driven. Essentially supporting myself.
I’ve tried this a number of times before by writing down what did over the course of a day but it was always avoiding the feeling rather than sitting with it and learning from it. I was trying to over ride it instead of listening to it.
I now have to create a new dialogue with myself feel my emotions, listen and build myself in the right way. Listening and feeling what is going on inside you is the quickest and easiest way of moving forward in life.
You have an opportunity right now to take a huge step forward in life. Where have you been looking for approval where have you been looking for support and at the same time ignoring yourself looking for something that you will never get externally? You have an opportunity to fill yourself with approval, support, and ultimately love yourself more.