Loving yourself and self esteem.

I have come to realise through reading “A New Earth” by “Eckhart Tolle” and a lot of self analysis, that a lot of mental disorders such as depression and anxiety are caused by our ego (I am not good enough / Lovable) which is triggered by our self esteem being low. I have never seen someone with depression and high self esteem. However I have met lots of people with big egos and depression. I myself would have been included in that last statement.

Over years of being told by our role models, parents, teachers, friends and TV that we can or can not do things, we start to believe them. However negative remarks are much more sticky than positive remarks. We have all been given complements that we have just said thank you for and not thought twice about them ever again. We have all had negative comments that we have played over and over again in our mind. This is a survival mechanism from when danger lurked around every corner. So we had to be extra careful to remember dangerous animals, poisonous plants, and any number of creepy crawly’s. because at one stage in our evolution our lives depended on it and the lives of our fellow man. Whereas nowadays we do not need to remember the negative comments as much and because of that we need to focus more on the positive comments.

As children negative comments build up in our mind and bit by bit day by day they erode our self confidence, our self belief and our self esteem starts to falter. Our self image starts to get set in stone. I can’t do this or I can’t do that, or I’m no good, or nobody loves me. So we start building defence mechanisms in our mind to protect us from the pain. This is when our ego comes to our defence. It either kicks in and starts tearing others down, to make it feel good, or it starts bragging, to make others feel bad, I’m so great you’re not.

A big one is I’m right you’re wrong. We all have friends who can’t be wrong. That is because they see it as a direct attack on their flimsy self image, or that somebody will actually see them for what they really are which is someone who is no good. That fear of being found out, is often so painful they will avoid it at all costs, even to their friendships. I have definitely been guilty of all of the above.

Once our expectations of our self are set low enough we start criticising our selves. We don’t have to wait for other people anymore to put us down, we start doing it ourselves. “It’s not perfect”, “I didn’t do that brilliantly first time”, “I always”, “I never”, essentially we are saying to or selves that we are not good enough, in one way or another.

What happens if you keep criticising yourself. Will you be motivated to do things? Will you be confident? Will you be full of energy for things you have to do? Will you be anxious about things you have to do because you know you’re not going to do it well? Because you know you’re going to mess it up. How many times are you going to play that over and over in your head before you’re completely terrified about going outside? “What is the point in going out or getting out of bed”, “I’m just going to screw up” Does this paragraph sound and look like depression and or anxiety?

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO what can you do? This is the cool bit 🙂 what if you used the same habits of playing things over and over again in your mind, to your advantage? You’re already doing it, just make it work for you? What would happen if you started looking for the good in you? Would you start feeling good?

I hear you say, but I am no good at some things, “I always mess up” or “I never do it right”. You have to watch those words, because they are all lies that you are telling yourself. We quickly forget what we are good at. You get up each day and dress yourself and don’t think twice about it. Of course it’s easy we have practised it for years. But do you congratulate yourself on that success every day. NOooooooooooo! You just pass it by and beat yourself up over little mistakes you make and you play them over and over blocking out any chance of seeing any good that you’re doing.

You do some things perfectly, you are always good at some things, the things you have practised until you mastered them. Often people beat themselves up for years saying “I’m no good at this”. Until one day they master it and stop thinking about it. Then they never celebrate that achievement and move on to the next thing they are going to beat themselves up about. Have you done this, I know I have.

This is where you take charge of your thoughts, this is where you take charge of your life and good feelings and start building your self esteem.

Try writing down all the things you did well today, it may be getting the bus on time, to finishing a project, even write down the things you did half right. Its better focusing on the bit you got right, rather than the bit you got half wrong. Because focusing on the bit you got wrong will only make you feel pain and you will want to run away from it. Whereas when you focus on the bit you did right you feel good and will have no problem improving on it.

I have heard stories of people whose achievements for the day, was getting out of bed. But they gradually improved and now coach people with similar problems to them selves.

How about focusing on building other peoples self esteem? How would you feel every day if you only seen the good in other people? How would they feel? And would them feeling good make other people feel good?

You are in charge and because of that there is no chance of getting depressed or anxious. With a little practice you could be building up the most amazing person that has ever walked this planet.

Build the habit of loving yourself.

How to write the story of your life.

Everything is a story without that story life and things have no meaning.

A table is just a piece of wood until someone puts a cup on it. Then the piece of wood becomes something to put stuff on. Then someone tells you it’s name (table) and you update the understanding in your mind and it makes sense.

You have the story in your head now and you can tell that story now to someone else. But what if you felt like being naughty and told someone that the table was a bed, what would they believe? They would not know the difference until their story was updated. What would happen if they never found out it was a table? they would live their life none the wiser and have horrible nights sleeps.

So the meaning of things depends on our story, but that story is only in our mind. Really that table is a piece of wood that we gave meaning to. But that piece of wood is actually a collection of atoms that we gave meaning to. So what is it really? It is what we decide it to be.

What if we decided to write our own meaning for things? What if you had the power to manipulate the world around you to whatever you want? What could you turn that piece of wood into? What would you create? Does a carpenter see that piece of wood differently to you?

Everything is subject to what meaning we give it. Everything! We can choose to see feel or hear whatever we want.

How you see things is actually just an interpretation in your mind of the light particles bouncing off the surface off the table. Just like a photograph.

Have a listen to what is going on in your room. Listen to different sounds. Can you pick out different noises? What is the voice in your head saying? By listening to the different sounds we are actually choosing how we perceive reality. We are choosing what we want to focus on.

We build up a picture of the world around us in our mind. If you close your eyes and picture the front door of your house, what does it look like? My guess is that it looks exactly like the real thing. So which one is real? As far as your mind is concerned both are. Your mind can not tell the difference and we know this is true because we have all had dreams that have been so real, that we only realised that they where dreams when we woke up.

So reality is actually in our mind and we use our bodies to interpret the world around us. The world is there, but the meaning, colour, feel, weight and smell are all in our mind and that is how we make up the story.

It has been proven that colour is subjective depending on our mood. When tested, people in different moods see colours differently. When someone is angry and looking at red the colour is a darker red and if they are calm they see it more pinkish.

Depending on our mood, the world around us changes, if we are in a good mood we see the world completely different to when we are in a bad mood. I’m sure you have experienced that before.

What we focus on controls our emotions. As you look down your FaceBook time line we go through a range of emotions, one friend posts a video of something hilarious and you laugh, then another posts about something horrific and you feel bad. All this happens within seconds of each other. But and this is a big but, you choose what you look at, so you choose to feel good or bad by what you look at. What if you decided to not look at your friend’s miserable post? would you feel better for longer. I’m sure you would. What if you decided to delete that friend? would you feel better more often? I’m sure you know that answer.

What does that mean for your whole life? By controlling our focus we control our emotions, so we choose to feel bad or good.

I hear you asking how do we control our focus? Questions and decisions control your thoughts / focus. Ask yourself a question? What is your name? As you can see you get an answer every time you ask yourself a question.

Let’s make a decision. What do you want to eat? I want toast! How am I going to get toast? I need a toaster and some bread. As you can see and hopefully feel that once you decide on something (the toast) you start asking yourself questions until you get the answer you want, or the result you want. So what results do you want? Can you ask yourself questions to make your life better? How does moaning make you feel? How does talking about happy things make you feel?

This is just the full mechanism of how we work “Questions and decisions control your thoughts control your emotions, your emotions control your words, your words control your actions, your actions control your character and your character controls your destiny.”

Essentially what I’m saying is, everything is subjective and we choose what way to view it, or to feel about it. Everything is a story and that story is written by us. By the questions we ask and the thoughts we have.

What does that mean for you now and your future? Well now you know you are in charge of your thoughts and how you see or feel about the world around you. You are responsible for where you are and where you are going. So what story are you going to write for your future? Is it going to be a happier one? What questions are you going to ask yourself to make decisions to make the world around you a better one? What story are you going to write for yourself?

I would love to find out.